The NIV Couples Devotional — Cheating Together

 

Cheating Together

1 Kings 14:1–18

At that time Abijah son of Jeroboam became ill, and Jeroboam said to his wife, “Go, disguise yourself, so you won’t be recognized as the wife of Jeroboam. Then go to Shiloh. Ahijah the prophet is there—the one who told me I would be king over this people.”

— 1 Kings 14:1–2

Jeroboam was in a predicament. He had served the great Israelite ruler Solomon as an official in the department of public works. Encouraged by the words of Ahijah the prophet that he would one day be king, Jeroboam rebelled against Solomon, resulting in his exile to Egypt (see 1 Kings 11:26–40). When Solomon died and Rehoboam took over, Jeroboam returned from Egypt and seized the opportunity to lure away most of the kingdom.

Originally, Jeroboam’s main goal was to help the Israelites find a better government than the one offered by Solomon and his self-absorbed son. But, along the way, power corrupted Jeroboam; he did things to ensure his tenacious leadership while minimizing God’s influence.

Now Jeroboam’s son was sick. So the king began weaving a web of deception, enlisting his wife to dress like someone else and feign piety before Ahijah to manipulate him into giving a good report on their son. Rather than seeking God’s guidance, the couple tried to use the prophet like a good-luck charm. Things turned out very badly for them as a result.

Marriage binds husband and wife into a unity that changes both of them. While individual identities shouldn’t be crushed as “two become one,” it is also true that we cannot remain isolated or independent from one another. But in the fusing that takes place, both good and bad things can happen.

When we share our lives well, we can strengthen our mate’s resolve, nurture our spouse’s well-being, and encourage each other’s gifts. Unfortunately, we can also have a negative impact on each other. We can entice our partner into supporting our mistakes and sins. We can ask our spouse to cover up for us when the phone rings, and we don’t wish to be found. We can lie for our mate in public settings. We can manipulate our spouse into falsifying tax returns or hiding assets.

Marriage makes us complicit in the morality of our mate. That is an important reason to choose wisely before we wed and to build upon a strong moral center in our relationship after we are joined. Great businesses don’t collapse overnight through some minor accounting error; their foundations slowly erode as leaders make each other complicit in deceptive schemes. So it is in marriages. While we can win for a while as we help each other cheat on the truth, in the long run, we build a kingdom of facades in which we can neither trust our partner’s face nor clearly see our own.

On the other hand, when we learn from mistakes like those of Jeroboam and his wife, we can build a complicity of goodness that our children and friends will admire someday when they help us celebrate our silver and golden wedding anniversaries.

Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• Are we playing games of deception right now? What might we lose through them?
• How can we keep one another morally committed to what is right? Should we schedule regular opportunities for accountability checks? What would we ask each other?
• In what areas are we most vulnerable to temptation or sin? What do we need most from each other to strengthen these vulnerable places?

Marriage binds husband and wife into a unity that changes both of them.

The NIV Couples Devotional — Loving Those You Love

 

Loving Those You Love

2 Samuel 9:1–13

“I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan.”

— 2 Samuel 9:7

Many years after his friend Jonathan died, King David reached out to Jonathan’s son Mephibosheth. David restored to Mephibosheth the land that had belonged to his grandfather, King Saul, and David welcomed Mephibosheth to his royal table. Why? Because David loved Jonathan and wanted to do something kind to a member of Saul’s household “for Jonathan’s sake” (2 Samuel 9:1).

Sometimes, I don’t want to extend myself on behalf of anyone else, even my husband. But when we entered into marriage, we committed not just to love each other but also to behave lovingly toward the people we each love. This doesn’t mean we necessarily have to like everyone our spouse likes. The Bible, after all, doesn’t say whether or not David liked Mephibosheth. What it says is that David and Jonathan had a special love for each other (see 1 Samuel 18:1–4; 20:17; 2 Samuel 1:26), and because David loved Jonathan, he extended kindness to Mephibosheth.

One of the most powerful ways my husband loves me is by loving my sister. To be completely honest, my sister and I don’t get along that well. We don’t have much in common (except our faces, which are almost identical). When we’re together, we seem to regress to childhood, circa 1985, when I was nine, and she was sixteen. She tells me what to do, and I bristle. We get tetchy. We pick at each other like hens.

I think Griff and Leanne like each other well enough, though I doubt they would have sought each other out and become friends had not marriage made them siblings-in-law. And it doesn’t really matter how much they like each other. What matters is that they extend themselves to one another.

On Wednesday nights, when I have church commitments, Griff eats dinner with Leanne and her family. Griff also volunteers to babysit for my nephew. When I am out of town on business, Leanne calls Griff and checks on him. And though Griff and Leanne do have affection for one another, they make these gestures, I think, less out of affection for one another and more out of love for me. Griff understands that eating dinner with Leanne and her family knits Leanne and me together, even though I am not at the dinner table.

When two people marry, they don’t become involved with just one other person. Spouses come with a constellation of families and friends. We can ignore those relationships. We can view them as a threat to our relationship with our spouse and fight them. Or we can lovingly insert ourselves into those relationships and help grow them.

We don’t have to develop intimate friendships with all of our spouse’s relatives and close friends. But, as David understood, we can best honor, love, and serve our spouse by making loving overtures to the people they love.

Lauren Winner

Let’s Talk

• Who are the people (besides each other and our children) we love best in the world? How have we extended ourselves in love to people in each other’s world?
• Why is it sometimes difficult to love the other people who came with this marriage? Is there someone one of us finds difficult to love? What would happen if we imagined God showing up in our relationships with difficult people?
• Is there a cherished friend or relative whom we wished had a better relationship with one of us?

When we entered into marriage, we committed not just to love each other but also to behave lovingly toward the people we each love.

The NIV Couples Devotional — What We See in Each Other

 

What We See in Each Other

1 Samuel 16:1–13

“The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

— 1 Samuel 16:7

Samuel was sent to the house of Jesse to find a new king. When he got there, Samuel saw Eliab, one of Jesse’s sons. “Surely, he is the one God has chosen to be the next king,” Samuel thought. Evidently, like the previous king, Saul, Eliab was tall and striking. But Eliab was not the one God had in mind.

God warned Samuel not to assess people by their physical appearance. God reminded the old prophet that he doesn’t look at the outside; he looks at the inside. So each of Jesse’s sons passed before Samuel, but God did not indicate that any of them was the man God had sent him to find. Finally, David, the youngest son, came in from the fields. Then the Lord spoke to Samuel, telling him this was the right one.

When we look at someone’s outward appearance, we often fail to see what God sees. This message was clearly illustrated to writer John Fisher when he was speaking at a seminar. “A couple came in late, and I could see that they were in love,” Fisher said. “I couldn’t help but notice the woman was very attractive, while the guy was a real nerd.

“What could she see in him?” Fisher wondered. From the outside, this couple didn’t look like a match. “Then I realized she was blind,” Fisher said.

“What did she see in him? She saw everything that was important in a person. She saw love. While another woman might not have gotten past this man’s unimpressive exterior, she was blind to that. She only saw his heart. Blessed are the blind, for they can see people as they really are.”

Like Samuel, we often make judgments based on what people look like. But God doesn’t use looks as his criteria. He evaluates people by what’s in their hearts. He sees their character, their faithfulness, and their commitment to him.

During courtship, we can be charmed by someone’s good looks, attentiveness, or flattery. All of that can be fleeting. Over the course of a marriage, the real person breaks through. Perhaps as your marriage ages, your spouse’s outward appearance starts to change. Your spouse grays, loses hair, or gains a little weight. Perhaps the two of you fall into a rut, and the special treatment that marked your dating period begins to wane. That’s when we need to remember what the Lord said to Samuel about focusing on what’s in the heart rather than what’s physically noticeable.

A marriage’s success comes not in finding who we think initially is the “perfect” person for us, but in our willingness to adjust to the real person we married.

Jennifer Schuchmann

Let’s Talk

• What characteristics initially attracted us to each other? What qualities do we treasure most today?
• The blind woman never saw her partner’s appearance. Like God, she only saw his heart. Would we rather have people look at our appearance or at our heart? Why?
• What steps are we taking to improve our faith, our character, and our commitment to God?

Samuel was sent to the house of Jesse to find a new king. When he got there, Samuel saw Eliab, one of Jesse’s sons.

The NIV Couples Devotional — The Big Effect of Little Choices

 

The Big Effect of Little Choices

Judges 16:1–21

Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah.

— Judges 16:4

Samson seemed to have all the right stuff. An angel announced his birth and instructed his parents to raise him to live as a lifelong Nazirite, a person set apart by God. As a result of his standing, he was to abstain from grape products, have no contact with dead bodies, and forego haircuts (see Numbers 6:1–8). Samson grew up with godly parents who loved him. He was given a life purpose—to begin to deliver Israel from the Philistines—and an incredible strength to help him achieve the task.

But Samson’s privileged beginnings didn’t automatically endow him with moral integrity. Over the course of his life, he deliberately participated in the things he and his parents had promised not to do. He ate honey from a lion’s carcass, violating his Nazirite vow in order to delight himself with something sweet (see Judges 14:8–9). Instead of being a great warrior against the Philistines, Samson’s crusades were often spurred by personal vendettas. And he had an insatiable appetite for Philistine women. Ultimately, one of those women, Delilah, learned the secret of Samson’s strength and traded that knowledge for a large sum of money.

Maybe you remember learning in church school that Samson was strong because he had long hair. Actually, Samson’s strength wasn’t in his hair but in his relationship with God. When his head was shaved, it was merely an outward indication of what he had already lost inside.

Ultimately Samson was unable to fully realize his potential or use the gifts God had given him. This is true of many of us. Though God has uniquely gifted us for his purpose, we are unable to live up to our potential because we continually fall victim to our sinful nature.

Samson didn’t turn toward sin in one grand decision. A lifetime of little choices resulted in Samson’s demise. Similarly, it isn’t the politician’s final bribe, but rather his early career decisions to bend the rules that lead to his downfall. It isn’t the public moral failing of the religious leader, but the many unconfessed sins that preceded it that brings him down. It’s not the addiction, but the little indulgences that fed the addiction that kills a family.

This principle also applies to our marriages. Most Christians don’t wake up one day and decide to throw their marriage and family away with one grand affair. The separation begins with participating in a bit of seemingly innocent flirting at work or sending an innocuous email to an old friend, or confiding a bit of unhappiness with one’s spouse to a sympathetic friend.

Before making what appears to be a harmless decision, stop and evaluate the cost. Success is less about having the right stuff than it is about choosing the right way. A lot of little choices done God’s way will add up to a lifetime of purpose.

Jennifer Schuchmann

Let’s Talk

• Beginning with Samson’s birth in Judges 13, examine the decisions that Samson made in his life. Which ones led him to God? Which ones separated him from God?
• What were the costs Samson paid for his decisions?
• As a Nazirite, Samson had specific things that set him apart for God. What things set us apart for God? What sets our marriage apart as a Christian marriage?

Samson seemed to have all the right stuff.

The NIV Couples Devotional — Digging Out of a Little Sin

 

Digging Out of a Little Sin

Joshua 7:1–26

“Israel has sinned; they have violated my covenant, which I commanded them to keep. They have taken some of the devoted things; they have stolen, they have lied, they have put them with their own possessions.”

— Joshua 7:11

I’m tempted to cry, “Not fair!” upon reading the story of Achan. First, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal for him to have taken some treasure as a reward for victory in battle. And second, all of the Israelites were held responsible for the sin of one man who had stolen and hidden plunder after the battle of Jericho against God’s direct command. Because of the “small” sin of one man, God punished all of Israel by withdrawing his blessing and allowing the people to be humiliated and defeated at the battle of Ai.

I remember when my young children would complain that a punishment was too harsh for their “teeny” disobedience. I’d bring up Adam and Eve’s teeny bite of the forbidden fruit. I’d ask them how many bites of the fruit it would have taken to become a punishable act. They got it—that it’s not the size of the disobedience but the meaning behind it that’s the problem. Like Achan, Adam and Eve disrespected God by their disobedience.

Likewise, in marriage, individual actions reflect one’s commitment to the marriage covenant. When I’m tempted to do something selfish, I ask myself two questions: (1) “How would I feel if Grey did this?” and (2) “How would I feel if our children found out?” I’m stopped in my tracks every time. So, something like an “innocent” email exchange with an old flame is now revealed to my own heart for what it is: betrayal.

Sin in marriage is not an individual issue. It affects the marriage relationship, the wider family, and also the entire community. Who would deny that infidelity and divorce have wreaked havoc upon millions of children and ripped the fabric of our society? In the same way, Achan’s selfish act ripped the fabric of Israel’s relationship with God.

Achan’s other sin was the cover-up; he deceitfully hid the plunder he had stolen. But eventually, the truth was revealed, just as it is in twenty-first-century families. A woman writes in her journal about her intimate relationship with another man. She thinks no one will ever know. But one day, her husband does the unthinkable; he decides to clean all the books on the bookshelf and discovers the diary behind the dusty volumes. Or a husband thinks he can cover his gambling losses by taking greater risks that promise bigger payoffs. But when the bank statement arrives with a negative balance—and his wife gets the mail—the whole family suffers the painful consequences of financial loss.

Achan’s lesson still holds true: Everyone loses in the sin game.

Mary Ann Jeffreys

Let’s Talk

• What steps will we take to stay honest with each other about money, friends, and recreational activities? In what areas have we been less than fully honest?
• What effect might “hidden” sins have on our marriage if we continue doing them for several months or even years?
• What “no big deal” sins are we willing to overlook in our relationship? If we continue doing them, what or who might then bring them to light?

I’m tempted to cry, “Not fair!” upon reading the story of Achan.

The NIV Couples Devotional — Giving With Grace

 

Giving With Grace

Deuteronomy 15:1–11

Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to.

— Deuteronomy 15:10

Years ago, I said something that still bothers me when I think about it. I had led a young couple to faith in Jesus. The husband earned a good living in his hairstyling salon. In the basement of their home, he kept the barber’s chair that his deceased father had once used in a shop in another town.

His father’s chair was more than an item of nostalgia, however. My friend used the chair in his basement two evenings and part of Saturday each week to seat customers who couldn’t afford to see him in his shop. In this homey room, my friend clipped and snipped the hair of the poor. Some, like me, he charged a nominal fee; others he waved out the door with a smile.

After one splendid haircut, I pulled out my wallet and handed him a note that was twice what he usually charged me. It was my smallest note, but he had no change. “Just keep it,” I said. “Next time, I won’t have to pay anything.”

Indeed, as I stepped out of the chair after my next grooming session and reached for my wallet, my friend said, “Wait! You’ve already paid for this one!”

It was then that I said some horrible words: “If you had remembered that earlier,” I teased, “you wouldn’t have done such a good job, would you?”

A slight grimace furrowed my friend’s brow before he caught himself and laughed. He was a generous man, and I had treated his kindness flippantly by joking that mercenary demons drove his heart.

It seems like materialism is all around us, and it is not uncommon for people to be driven by need and greed. During the lean years that many of us experience, we can become selfish and cheap. Those attitudes can stick, even when resources grow and demands diminish.

God built safeguards into Israelite society so that debt wouldn’t dehumanize those who became trapped in it. But God also knew that some people would try to manipulate handouts and bailouts and other kinds of welfare for their own cunning ends. So he asked his people to be generous to the poor, even if the poor appeared to be abusing the gifts.

Generosity and graciousness are learned qualities. They must be caught from the example of bighearted souls. Like God. Like the widow who gave two very small copper coins—all she had to live on (see Mark 12:41–44). Like the disciples who shared their lunch with a crowd (see Matthew 15:32–39). Like my barber.

We must practice giving so that generosity becomes an essential part of who we are. And when we give, we’ll find that our generosity is rewarded by God, who will “throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it” (Malachi 3:10).

Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• In what ways has God blessed us? In what ways are we tight-fisted about sharing what we have? How can we make our spending and giving reflect our values?
• Who are some generous people who have helped us along the way? What have we learned from them? How are we becoming like them?
• What did we learn about money and generosity from our parents? Were these good or bad lessons? What will our children learn from us?

Years ago, I said something that still bothers me when I think about it.

The NIV Couples Devotional — Waiting for a Sign

 

Waiting for a Sign

Numbers 9:15–23

Whenever the cloud lifted from above the tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped.

— Numbers 9:17

So often, married life feels like little more than a series of decisions: Should we buy that house? Is it the right time to start a family? Do we need to save more money for the future? We often look to God for some kind of clear answer telling us just what to do.

Early in our marriage, my husband began looking for a job closer to our home. He happened upon a job opening at a social service agency just a few blocks from our apartment. Not only was the job close, but it was the kind of work he was passionate about at the kind of organization he’d wanted to work for. The company was even willing to let him work flexible hours so he could be home with our baby part of the day.

My husband sailed through his interview and was offered the job right away. Before he said yes, we talked briefly about the wisdom of taking the job. As we reviewed the circumstances, it seemed that God had dropped this opportunity in his lap. We didn’t need to discuss the issue for long. We felt God’s leading very clearly.

While wandering through the wilderness, the people of Israel knew when to move and when to stay put because God gave them a sign: if the cloud that covered the tabernacle stayed put, they were to do likewise; when the cloud moved, they were to move. In our situation, we felt that the “cloud” had moved and that my husband should take the job.

But we don’t always get a clear sign from God. Many times, there have been many times when we have prayed, sought the advice of friends and family, and waited for God to point us in the right direction, only to get…nothing. For example, when I was trying to decide whether I should quit my job, I agonized for months with no sense of what God wanted me to do. Where was our sign?

The truth is, God doesn’t always move the clouds to show us which way to go. Instead, God asks us to be faithful, to make choices with our lives that honor him. He asks us to get our priorities in order to turn away from worldly standards of success and achievement and to bend our will to that of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And as we follow his example, walking in his ways, we begin to think more like him. Paul tells us in Romans 12:2: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

We will make our share of mistakes in life decisions. At times, we will undoubtedly go when we should stay and stay when we should go. But the promise that God gives us is that no matter where we go—to a new state, to a new job, to a new stage of family life—our God goes with us.

Carla Barnhill

Let’s Talk

• What choices have we made as a couple? Has there been a time when we’ve had to step out in faith without a clear sense of what the right choice was? How was God present with us in that uncertain situation?
• What kind of decision-makers are we? What are some ways we can show each other support and respect when we have a difficult decision to make?
• What people do we trust to help us think through difficult decisions? If we can’t think of anyone, maybe we should develop deeper relationships with a few other couples from church.

So often, married life feels like little more than a series of decisions: Should we buy that house? Is it the right time to start a family? Do we need to save more money for the future?

The NIV Couples Devotional — Don’t-Mean-It Sins

 

Don’t-Mean-It Sins

Leviticus 4:27–35

If any member of the community sins unintentionally and does what is forbidden in any of the LORD’s commands, when they realize their guilt and the sin they have committed becomes known, they must bring as their offering for the sin they committed a female goat without defect.

— Leviticus 4:27–28

Everyone roared with laughter at Maggie’s story about Brad’s klutziness in fixing the car. Brad was mortified.

Thad had been paying bills online, and then, without ever really planning to, he found himself deep in pornography. Melanie walked in and found him viewing images he had no business seeing.

Arthur and Gabriela thought they were just getting together with some friends from church, but then they found themselves caught up in an angry coup to get rid of the pastor. Six months later, the church was in shambles, and Arthur and Gabriela wondered how they let themselves get involved in the mess.

Sometimes we sin without meaning to. We aim for righteousness, honor, and wisdom, but we miss by a mile. Leviticus 4:2 introduces a Hebrew word for sin that means “to miss the mark.” George R. Knight, professor of church history at Andrews University Theological Seminary (Berrien Springs, Michigan), explains, “You have missed, not because you are wicked, but because you are stupid, silly, careless, inattentive, perhaps lazy, or more probably because you do not possess the proper aim in life.”

Add to that Hebrew word for sin the word “unintentionally,” and it suggests someone wandering away like a silly sheep or someone who isn’t thinking. We sometimes feel we ought to be given a break if we didn’t really mean to sin. But the Bible doesn’t cut us any slack. Whether we mean it or not, sin damages our relationship with God and with others. Anyone who is married knows that unintentional hurts, such as teasing about someone’s weaknesses or being chronically late or missing a birthday, can do a lot of harm.

Leviticus 4 shows that God takes unintentional sins seriously. Forgiveness is available, but it doesn’t come cheap. No quick, “Oops, sorry. Guess I wasn’t thinking.” Specific instructions were given in Leviticus 4 for how different groups were to deal with these kinds of sins. While the details differed a little from one group to another, the basic corrective steps were the same for each situation: bring an offering, then have it sacrificed to atone for the sin.

Today, we who confess Jesus Christ as Savior are grateful that we don’t have to go through the Old Testament’s laborious and gruesome atonement rituals. Still, as we read through Leviticus’s requirements, we realize how the sacrificial system illustrates sin’s seriousness. These sin sacrifices did not overdramatize the sinner’s situation; instead, they underdramatized it. The blood of animals could never pay for sin, whether unintentional or not. God mercifully accepted such sacrifices until his plan could be carried out to give his one and only Son, Jesus, as the complete sacrifice for sin.

Sin is terrible—even when it’s unintentional. Praise God that Christ’s death provides forgiveness for us and that his indwelling Spirit gives us the strength to aim straight at godliness.

Lee Eclov

Let’s Talk

• What unintentional sins have we committed that proved our aim was way off?
• What happens when we do not take such sins as seriously as God does?
• As we read Leviticus 4:27–35, let’s imagine doing each corrective step. What would it feel like? How would we be affected?

Everyone roared with laughter at Maggie’s story about Brad’s klutziness in fixing the car. Brad was mortified.

The NIV Couples Devotional — Making Peace With Each Other

Making Peace With Each Other

Exodus 4:24–26

But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’ feet with it. “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me,” she said.

— Exodus 4:25

Zipporah performed hasty surgery on her son when she realized God was about to kill her husband, Moses. While it isn’t stated, evidently God was about to destroy Moses because he had failed to circumcise his son. Zipporah took the situation into her own hands, completing the act of obedience Moses had neglected to do.

But there seems to be an air of resentment in her abrupt actions. Perhaps she was angry at her husband for shirking his fatherly duties. Or maybe Zipporah resented having to perform a spiritual rite she herself didn’t believe in.

Whatever the details of a disagreement, resulting feelings can drive a wedge between spouses. Resentment can lead to barbed words, sarcastic comments, and actions that undercut one another. For example, children came early in our marriage. I used to get so angry when Dan would nudge me to get out of bed in the middle of the night because the baby was crying. Both Dan and I desperately needed sleep, but I resented the assumption that it was my responsibility to get up with the baby. Lack of sleep, combined with my expectation that Dan share in the 3:00 a.m. feedings, fueled resentment in me. In a huff, I would perform my motherly duties, seething silently as Dan snored and I rocked a cranky baby. It didn’t take too many sleepless nights like that before we had built walls of anger between us.

When you notice resentment creeping in or a disagreement escalating in your relationship, admit your anger and call an immediate cease-fire. Take some advice from marriage counselor Scott M. Stanley (Marriage Partnership, Fall 1995). Agree on a specific time when you can talk. Then sit down together and use a small object, such as a pen, to indicate who has the floor. The person holding the pen is the speaker. When the pen changes hands, the roles change. The speaker’s job is to get his or her point across. The listener’s job is to absorb information and give feedback by paraphrasing what the other has just said.

While this approach feels somewhat artificial, it greatly enhances communication by slowing things down and emphasizing listening and working together. It helps you, as James 1:19 says, to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” It’s a great tool for aiding interaction and understanding. And it helps to ensure that resentments don’t fester or turn into full-blown arguments.

When you sense resentment growing within you, ask yourself what expectations you have of your spouse, particularly in a situation that’s brewing trouble between you. Very often, resentment grows from unmet expectations. Zipporah expected something from Moses. I expected something from Dan. Recognizing what your expectations are is the first step toward resolving resentment.

Marian V. Liautaud

Let’s Talk

• Is there some area of our marriage in which we feel that one of us has unmet expectations? Let’s talk about some of those expectations.
• When one of us gets angry, do our arguments quickly get out of hand? How can we put a stop to that pattern?
• Let’s try a pen-passing conversation on a non-threatening topic. How does that approach differ from the way we usually try to resolve a problem? In what ways could this approach help?

Zipporah performed hasty surgery on her son when she realized God was about to kill her husband.

The NIV Couples Devotional — Conquering Regrets

Conquering Regrets

Genesis 19:1–29

“Flee for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!”

— Genesis 19:17

If only we hadn’t married so soon. If only we had more money. If only I had married Jake instead of John. Regrets in marriage are damaging. They keep our eyes fixed on the rearview mirror instead of on the road ahead. While reviewing the past and assessing what we’ve learned through mistakes can be a healthy exercise, regretting the past only serves to fuel discontentment and impede growth.

When Dan and I decided to close a three-year-old business, I struggled with regret. I had used up all of our nest egg to pursue a business venture I had believed in. When the business failed, I regretted so many decisions I had made, especially not listening to Dan’s advice along the way. My failure meant that we would be struggling financially again after having enjoyed several years of monetary comfort. Even though I knew God had walked us through this difficult time and taught us invaluable lessons, it was tempting to think, “If I hadn’t tried to start that new business, we’d be financially set right now.” Instead of keeping my eyes focused on God’s plan for my life, I chose to get stuck in my tracks with if-only thinking.

Lot’s wife had a similar problem. She and her husband were running for their lives from Sodom and Gomorrah, knowing that God had judged the culture they were living in and was about to decimate everything they had ever known. While Lot was running full steam ahead, his wife kept looking over her shoulder. Eventually, the distance between them became so great that Lot literally left his wife in the dust.

Regret is like that. We keep looking over our shoulder, wondering if what we’ve left behind might have been better than what we’re moving toward. God’s angel warned Lot and his wife not to look back, and it’s a warning for us too.

If you routinely catch yourself starting a sentence with “If only,” regret may be an issue you need to deal with. While dwelling on what might have been is never healthy, regret can be an important signal to stop and examine your emotions. For instance, if you catch yourself thinking, “If only I had married Jake instead of John,” it may be time to evaluate why John isn’t measuring up. In your private time with God, pray about the emotions you’re experiencing. Perhaps you’ll discover that your disappointment is springing from unmet needs. With these needs clarified, you can then have a forward-thinking conversation with your spouse about how to improve your relationship.

When I caught myself saying, “If only I hadn’t tried to start this business,” I realized that my fear of God’s inability to meet our needs in the future was driving my regret. Once I discovered that, I could stop looking to the past and begin focusing on a vision for what God might accomplish in our future.

Marian V. Liautaud

Let’s Talk

• What, if any, regrets do either of us have in our lives?
• What unmet need might those regrets indicate?
• How might we use regrets to improve our relationship with each other? What do we need to entrust to God to move forward in our marriage?

If only we hadn’t married so soon. If only we had more money. If only I had married Jake instead of John. Regrets in marriage are damaging.

The NIV Couples Devotional — Finding the Best of Times

Finding the Best of Times

Revelation 21:1–27

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

— Revelation 21:4

Marriage can be like the days of the French Revolution, immortalized in the words of Charles Dickens in A Tale of Two Cities—“the best of times and the worst of times.”

In the best times of marriage, we can’t get enough of each other. We breeze through workdays, knowing we can be together afterward. We spoon our bodies in the night, delighting in how well we fit together. We cook special things for each other. We reach for each other’s hands in church, show each other off to friends, get high at the sound of each other’s voice on the phone.

We crave each other in the hard times too: when our parents decide to divorce, when a close friend is diagnosed with cancer, when one of us loses a job, when we have a miscarriage, when someone betrays us. We ease the hurt by holding each other tight and letting the tears fall, by reading passages of Scripture together, by linking hearts and hands in prayer. Somehow just being together fortifies us in the times when we ache and hurt.

In the worst of times, we lose each other. He flirts with a waitress, making his wife feel invisible. She goes on a spending spree at the mall, sabotaging the budget her husband so carefully worked out. He works late night after night; she spends too much time with friends. Even at church, the togetherness is lost as she goes to choir, while he goes to Bible study. She has meetings that leave him sitting alone; he is so busy talking to others that he barely notices she’s gone. Even when together, spouses can be alone. They stay home for the night, but he’s upstairs watching a football game, while she’s downstairs trotting on the treadmill. Or during dinner, she’s replaying a work problem in her head, while he’s reading the paper.

Whatever the reason, failing to connect becomes a kind of living death. The warmth, the passion, the closeness between us cools until it seems we’re only going through the motions of marriage. Then something, somehow, prods us into reaching for each other again: Maybe it’s a sermon that cuts truth like a knife into our hearts or a friend who begins asking questions about our relationship or a work associate whose problems become too personal. Then things can really heat up between us—this time with anger, accusations, threats, and tears. The pain is excruciating, but if we work through it (sometimes with professional help), we can find each other again in a new kind of love, one that’s forged in the fire and ashes of repentance and forgiveness. Then the tears we drop are ones of relief, gladness, and joy.

One day we will stop crying for good. After we pass through the final vale of separation from each other, God himself will wipe our faces clean of tears. Then he will usher us into glory, where we will be so united with him, so one with him, that there will never again be a need for tears. The best times of marriage, in all their passion and delight, are a prelude to that.

Phyllis Ten Elshof

Let’s Talk

• What are some times when we felt the most togetherness? What helped fuel those times? When have we felt most alienated from each other? What brought us back together? What are some practical ways we can work together that will keep us close?
• Are either of us sometimes uncomfortable with too much intimacy? What do we do when we feel crowded into closeness? How do we get some space without offending each other?
• How does closeness and intimacy with God affect our relationship with each other?

Marriage can be like the days of the French Revolution, immortalized in the words of Charles Dickens in A Tale of Two Cities—“the best of times and the worst of times.”

The NIV Couples Devotional - Saturday, September 19, 2020

How True Love Behaves

1 John 3:11–24

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

— 1 John 3:18

Television personality Art Linkletter once asked a little girl if she knew what true love was. She thought for a moment and then said, “Love is when your mommy reads you a bedtime story. True love is when she doesn’t skip any pages.”

The apostle John would have agreed. It’s easy to pledge love in the heat of passion or during the quiet intimacy of a Valentine’s Day dinner. But true love has to deal with short fuses, tired bodies, overextended commitments, and inconvenient interruptions every day. And yet it keeps on giving.

The church at the end of the first century was wrestling with a philosophic aberration of Christian doctrine called Gnosticism. Gnosticism played up the spiritual nature of humanity and downplayed its physical nature. Some select people believed they had a spark of divinity trapped in their flesh. Only the religious elite had the secret information (gnosis means “knowledge”) that would help them transcend their evil flesh. To them, Jesus was a heavenly visitor who came to this world like a ghostly apparition; he never actually became flesh and blood, for all flesh is evil and a divine spirit would never become human. Salvation consisted of secret chants and rituals that prepared one for release into the transcendent world. Gnostics ignored the physical needs of others and disdained those who did not share their secret inspiration.

John wrote about the true Spirit of God, who helps us know that Jesus actually came in the flesh. The “true love” of God put Jesus into our world, not just to float around like a ghostly figure with meaningless chants and rituals, but to struggle with the world’s problems and difficulties as a person of flesh and blood. Such true love helped those who were cold and hungry and in need of shelter. True love dug in and got dirty.

So it is in marriage. One couple I used to know never figured that out. The wife was addicted to romance novels and TV soap operas. For her, a constant flow of romantically charged passion was the only sure sign of love. When her husband came home from a hard day at his job too tired to court her, or when hours of cleaning or cooking took the fairy-tale bliss out of her week, she couldn’t take it. Eventually, she filed for divorce. She’s probably still looking for that make-believe kind of happiness.

The apostle John urged the church to believe in a God who physically came into our world to be with us in our struggles. Furthermore, he calls us to imitate God’s love by investing our energy in the day-to-day messiness of the real lives of others. We need to see others—especially our spouses—with our Father’s eyes, touch them with our Savior’s hands, and be inspired by the Spirit’s passion as we act out true love.

Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• What is the romantic temperature of our relationship? Hot? Lukewarm? Frosty? How does each of us feel about that? Why?
• How do we express our love for one another in words? How do we express it in deeds and actions?
• What do we need to keep in mind in those times when we don’t feel like loving? How can actions move our relationship forward when words become meaningless?

Television personality Art Linkletter once asked a little girl if she knew what true love was. She thought for a moment and then said, “Love is when your mommy reads you a bedtime story. True love is when she doesn’t skip any pages.”

The NIV Couples Devotional — Beauty in Submission

Beauty in Submission

1 Peter 2:11—3:7

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

— 1 Peter 3:1–2

For many people, the word submission implies serving someone else hand and foot. Submission seems dehumanizing. We assume that such deference would sap a marriage of the mutual respect and service that a marriage ought to have to make it strong and vital.

In 1 Peter 3, Peter was addressing a specific situation: how the wives of unsaved husbands might influence them to become Christians. He counseled the women to submit, but he was thinking of the kind of submission that is deeply catalytic, a potent secret remedy for a lost loved one.

The secret of a Christian wife’s submission is found in three phrases. The first is in verse 1: “in the same way.” It refers back to the Christlike submission described in the previous verses (2:21–24). In the same way that Jesus trusted God to work redemptively through his submission, we can trust God to work through our submission.

The second key phrase is in verse 2: “when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” Purity and reverence ennoble a person; they are signs of spiritual strength. They are the marks of carefully guarded relationships with people and with God. Submission without purity and reverence has no potency, but when someone is the recipient of your humble submission and realizes that it springs not from his or her power over you but from your relationship with God, the person is changed by the experience.

The third important phrase is in verse 4: “a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” A gentle and quiet spirit is the opposite of a fearful spirit. Wives of unsaved husbands in Peter’s day had a lot to be afraid of, but those who learned to quiet their hearts in the promises of God took on an inner beauty that no dress or makeup could give them, a beauty that attracted others to Christ. The message, both then and now, is that while Christian wives serve their unsaved husbands, they are depending on God, and that is a transforming experience.

Notice that the goal is not a dominating husband, but a godly husband. God-shaped submission makes the people around us better, not worse. Furthermore, even if an unsaved husband never responds to Christ, the Christian wife may grow in such beautiful godliness that others will be attracted to Christ.

Peter didn’t apply to believing husbands the same recipe for winning over an unsaved wife, but we can be assured that the principles are similar. Paul instructed Christians to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). If a husband has an unsaved wife, his loving and sacrificial behavior toward her will show her a picture of Christ’s love for the church (see Ephesians 5:25–32).

Lee Eclov

Let’s Talk

• How can Christian submission as Peter described it actually empower rather than dehumanize us in marriage?
• How does fear sour submission (see 1 Peter 3:6)? What is it like to be around a fearfully submissive person?
• How does the purity and reverence of our lives change the character of submission?

For many people, the word submission implies serving someone else hand and foot. Submission seems dehumanizing. We assume that such deference would sap a marriage of the mutual respect and service that a marriage ought to have to make it strong and vital.

The NIV Couples Devotional — Conquering Fears in Marriage

Conquering Fears in Marriage

Hebrews 11:1—12:3

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

— Hebrews 11:1

It’s scary to tell someone, “I love you.” It’s even more frightening to ask, “Will you marry me?”

Still even more terrifying is the answer: “Yes.”

Think about the weak-in-the-knees words “I do” and what can follow them: buying a house, having children, moving the family to a different state, taking a new job…The list of intimidating, heart-pounding, fear-provoking aspects of marriage go on and on.

Responsibility really hit me when Kelli and I started having children. I thought, “Now, not only is my life inextricably linked to my wife’s, and not only do I carry the responsibility of owning property, but now I am responsible for the well-being, provision, and growth of other little human beings.” What a scary thought!

It seems that in every new stage in life, the stakes get higher.

When you stop and think about it, though, all of the Christian life takes tremendous courage as we commit our lives to God and join others who are called to be God’s people. Though we cannot see God, we can be confident of God’s goodness, God’s power, God’s presence, and God’s wisdom. And yet we still must take that fearful first step of trust.

As Christians, we trust the unseen and base all our decisions about love and marriage on God’s invisible reality and the promises he has made. To live the Christian life and to make choices (not only for me but for my entire family) based on a God we can’t see is tough. But the Bible tells us that this is the only wise choice to make.

As we look to Scripture for guidance, we can draw comfort and courage from heroes of faith such as Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Moses, and Rahab—people Kierkegaard called the unsurpassed “Knights of Faith.” After commending these and a few other Old Testament believers specifically (see Hebrews 11:4–31), the writer of Hebrews affirmed the many others who had faith to conquer kingdoms, administer justice, shut the mouths of lions and rout foreign armies (see Hebrews 11:32–38). These heroes weren’t lauded because they were strong in themselves, but because they trusted God. They were weak as they considered the tasks ahead of them, but when they trusted God, he turned their weakness into strength.

Likewise we are to trust God as we face the risky and intimidating aspects of married life. For as Hebrews 12:1 assures us, we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, and therefore we have the strength and courage to throw off everything that hinders us and moves forward in love, confidence, and trust. This is the unseen reality that makes sense of our choice to step forward into marriage despite our fears.

David and Kelli Trujillo

Let’s Talk

• What are the toughest choices or biggest risks we’ve ever had to take in our lives? In our marriage?
• What is our vision for our life together? What fears do we have? What hopes do we have?
• How can we help each other live like heroes of faith as we face fears and risks in the years to come?

It’s scary to tell someone, “I love you.” It’s even more frightening to ask, “Will you marry me?”

The NIV Couples Devotional — Finding Strength in Submission

Finding Strength in Submission

Philemon 1–25

Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I prefer to appeal to you on the basis of love.

— Philemon 8–9

During the Reformation, when Martin Luther and Ulrich Zwingli were exchanging strong words about Biblical interpretations and ecclesiastical practices, Zwingli spent a troubled morning walking the mountain trails of his beloved Switzerland. From a distance he observed two goats making their way toward each other on a path barely stitched to the side of a cliff. It was obvious that these nimble creatures could not pass one another.

As the goats approached each other, each feinted a power move at the other in what looked like the beginning of a battle. In a surprise twist, however, one goat suddenly collapsed onto the narrow ledge so the other goat could walk over its back. Then each moved on.

Zwingli was impressed. Here was strength defined by submission. It allowed two opponents to survive a crisis so both could get on with more important things. Zwingli applied the lesson to his next encounter with Luther.

The same principle is evident in Paul’s words to Philemon. Philemon’s slave Onesimus had run away, met Paul in Rome, and become a Christian. Now Paul was sending the slave back to his master, urging Philemon to receive Onesimus, not as mere property, but as a brother. Instead of butting heads with Philemon, Paul extended a hand of love. Was this a sign of weakness? Psychological manipulation?

Both possibilities and a variety of others enter a marital relationship. Sometimes we badger one another. Sometimes, like goats poised for battle on a mountain trail, we come close to butting heads. Sometimes we spit and snarl and lash out. Sometimes we sit together and lovingly hash things out.

What is helpful and healthy in good relationships is honesty. Not just truthfulness that blurts out every last thought, but self-awareness that is not deceptive. It is as important that I learn to be honest with myself as it is to be truthful with my partner. If Paul was in touch with his own thoughts and feelings when he wrote to Philemon, he could state his case without deploying manipulative or subversive tactics. He could focus on Philemon’s well-being and circumstances while maintaining his own perspective.

Too often we allow our emotions to derail relationships because we are blinded by excessive self-importance. The strength of our emotions, especially when we are at odds with each other, inflates our tendency for self-preservation and diminishes our sense of the other’s importance in our lives. We need to keep relationships personal and issues impersonal as we build faithfulness with one another.

Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. But the ways in which we work through them can bind us more tightly together in love. Paul’s kindness to Philemon offers a very good example to follow.

Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• What do we tend to disagree about? What happens in our relationship whenever that topic comes up? How do our feelings get involved?
• When we disagree, does one of us generally dominate the other? What is dangerous about that? How could we change that pattern?
• How do we show our respect for one another when we disagree about something? If we videotaped one of our arguments and showed it to a friend or a marriage counselor, what would they say?

During the Reformation, when Martin Luther and Ulrich Zwingli were exchanging strong words about Biblical interpretations and ecclesiastical practices, Zwingli spent a troubled morning walking the mountain trails of his beloved Switzerland.…

The NIV Couples Devotional — Providing for the Family

Providing for the Family

1 Timothy 5:1–16

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

— 1 Timothy 5:8

Recently a friend recommended a course offered at her church titled “Financial Self-Defense.” My first thought was that the church should offer another one called “Financial CPR” for those whose finances need complete resuscitation.

My husband and I are financial idiots. We continue to be thankful for those smarter than we are who are willing to step alongside us to walk us through mortgage paperwork and insurance headaches. In keeping with our simple financial minds, our financial goals are pretty simple: tithe and give offerings faithfully; get out—and stay out—of debt (I’m hoping we’ll get there yet!); and take care of our family, including our parents, should that become necessary.

But, like most people, we have times of severe financial stress. One of the worst times was when our children were young and the furnace in our big, old house gave out for good. It was December, a time when it starts to get really cold in Illinois, where we live. And December is also a time when our bank account is emptier than usual because of Christmas spending.

Our furnace repairman was a deacon at our church, and he encouraged us to let our church help us pay for the furnace through the benevolent fund. It’s an extremely humbling experience to lean on your Christian brothers and sisters this way, but we gratefully accepted the help. As recipients of that financial aid, we now are more keenly aware of the importance of giving to the benevolent fund at our church. We know what it feels like to need a cash rescue.

Generally, though, David and I work hard to provide for our children—by giving them, not a luxurious life, but a simple, safe, and healthy one. This is a Biblical concept. The apostle Paul wrote that it is a shame for believers not to set a loving example by generously providing for their own households. The church plays a role in helping those who are alone in the world—those who are orphaned, widowed, or abandoned. But Paul reminded Timothy that Christians who fail to take responsibility for their own families are worse than unbelievers. That’s quite a reminder!

David and I need God’s help to achieve our financial goals, and we’re trusting God to help us be the ones to provide for the needs of our four kids and our parents. With God’s help, we can keep his admonition in mind to care for our own household.

Annette LaPlaca

Let’s Talk

• What financial goals do we share as a couple?
• Have we encountered difficulties in providing for our own household? How have we gotten help? In what ways has that assistance helped us become more discerning about handling money?
• How is financially providing for our family part of our calling as Christians?

My husband and I are financial idiots.

The NIV Couples Devotional — Model Parenting

Model Parenting

1 Thessalonians 2:1–16

We were like young children among you. Just as a nursing mother cares for her children . . . we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.

— 1 Thessalonians 2:7–8, 11–12

The apostle Paul gives us a beautiful model of the church: a family in which leaders think of themselves as loving parents who are called to care for and encourage those they lead.

But Paul’s use of the analogy of parenthood in 1 Thessalonians 2 may have surprised some in the church. This was before the study of child development, so the parents of Paul’s day probably didn’t spend much time thinking about the emotional or spiritual needs of their kids.

So for Paul to say that he and his fellow missionaries, Silas and Timothy (see 1 Thessalonians 1:1), had acted like nurturing mothers and encouraging fathers was no doubt radical thinking for many. Paul assumed that a loving, caring parent doesn’t just order a kid around and demand respect. Instead, a good parent is supportive, sets a good example, offers comfort and care when a child is struggling, and guides the child as parent and child each try to live lives “worthy of God” (2:12).

Today some Christian parents believe that their most important role is to teach their children to be obedient and to respect authority. If they fail to do this, they think their children won’t respect God’s authority and will fall away from the faith. Such parenting can take on an air of infallibility, become harsh, and demand absolute submission. In a family with this type of parenting style, children are punished for disrespecting parental authority or questioning a parent’s God-given right to boss them around.

That is not the way God parents us. True, our heavenly Father asks for obedience to his commands—and he punishes those who persist in rebelling against him—but he is also compassionate, slow to anger, and faithful to forgive. He doesn’t demand our respect; he wins it by his loving care and mercy. God doesn’t push us into obedience; he invites us to follow Jesus.

We want so badly to raise our children well that often, instead of graciously guiding our children toward abundant life with God, we fearfully pull them away from the evils of this fallen world. Instead of offering our children grace and guidance when they make mistakes, we pour shame and disappointment on them, hoping the guilt they feel will ward off future trouble. Parenting out of fear may work in the short run, but it does little to help our children become the hopeful, loving people God created them to be.

Parenting gives us an amazing opportunity to participate in the formation and training of another human being. Like Paul and his fellow church leaders, parents who offer their children encouragement, comfort, guidance, and discipline are building the church of the future, the church that will continue to bring the love and grace of God to a hurting world.

Carla Barnhill

Let’s Talk

• What is our philosophy of parenting? What is the role of parents in the life of a child? How should parents handle disobedience and disrespect?
• How can we offer the kind of encouragement and comfort that Paul talked about to stepchildren or foster children who might still be getting to know us? How can we work together to help children in this type of situation adjust to a new family unit?
• How can we positively influence the kids we know who may not have a positive model of marriage and parenting?

The apostle Paul gives us a beautiful model of the church…

The NIV Couples Devotional - Saturday, August 8, 2020

Giving Off the Scale

Philippians 2:1–11

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

— Philippians 2:3–4

John Powell describes different kinds of relationships, including one he calls “pan-scale love.” A pan scale is what Lady Justice carries. She stands blindfolded atop a courthouse with pans held by chains at both ends of a balance beam.

Powell says that many of us enter courtship or marriage with a pan-scale commitment. In the exhilaration of first falling in love, we give 100 percent of ourselves to our mate, and our end of the pan scale hangs heavy with love’s offerings. For a week or a month or even a year, we don’t check to see whether the pan scale is balanced because we assume our partner is also devoting 100 percent to the relationship.

But, says Powell, there comes a time when we begin to analyze which way the pan-scale balance beam is tipping. Invariably, as much as we love our spouse, we begin to recognize that he or she isn’t investing quite as much as we are.

So we pull back a little. Maybe she doesn’t pick up the clothes that he carelessly leaves in corners of the bedroom. Perhaps he doesn’t offer a cheery “hello” and warm kiss when she walks in the door. Maybe she doesn’t stop to pick up the dry cleaning or he forgets to gas up the car. This gradual lessening of giving doesn’t usually mean coming up short on the scale of big things; rather, it’s little cuts that over time begin adding up to the message: “I’ve been giving 100 percent to this relationship, and you’re only offering 87 percent. If you won’t put your full load of love on your end of the pan scale, I’m going to pull some of mine back to even things up.”

The trouble is such efforts at balancing the pan scale of love only backfire. Typically, when partners begin to notice that the scales aren’t even, they each begin to think they are giving more than the other. The response is a subtle but progressive retaliatory cutback on a full deposit.

It may take a while, but if left unchecked, pan-scale love will eventually bankrupt a relationship. As I view my investments as overmatching my partner’s, my mate, from another vantage point, feels similarly cheated. If we check the nuptial agreements and try to reclaim what we believe is rightfully ours, Lady Justice is left with empty scales.

How much better to be known, as the Philippians were, for their generosity. People in that church sensed Paul’s needs and, without being asked, sent him gifts time after time. Paul regarded those surprises, their over-the-top giving, as “a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God” (Philippians 4:18). God asks each of us to bring him an offering according to what our heart prompts us to give, not one that matches what God gives us—that’s impossible and we know it.

Likewise, we are to give to our partner in marriage—without weighing it against what’s being offered on the other side, with humble thanks for each other, with sincere appreciation for each other, with gratitude for the opportunity to meet each other’s needs without being asked. Then our giving will be an off-the-scale fragrant offering to each other, an acceptable sacrifice that is pleasing to God.

Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• In what ways do we treat our giving in marriage as pan-scale love? When have we felt cheated?
• How can we increase the level of generosity in our relationship? What gifts do each of us bring? How might they be used to strengthen our marriage?
• How can each of us invest more in our marriage without worrying about whether we’re getting a good deal?

John Powell describes different kinds of relationships, including one he calls “pan-scale love.”

The NIV Couples Devotional - Saturday, August 1, 2020

When Is My Burden Yours?

Galatians 6:1–10

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

— Galatians 6:2

People who work with ocean-going ships will tell you that it’s critical to check the way the cargo load is distributed in the vessel. If the cargo is too heavy, the ship will ride too low in the water and won’t be able to travel at a good speed. If the load is too light, the ship will ride too high in the water and bob like a cork, especially when storms hit. The ship needs the proper amount of cargo for it to make the best progress across the ocean.

Life works like that for Christians too. When our burdens are too heavy, we can become so depressed and weary that we can hardly do our work, much less be a testimony of God’s grace to others. When our burdens are too light, we find it difficult to empathize with others who are carrying a heavy load, or we find ourselves aimless and restless. We need the proper balance between load carrying and load sharing to progress in our Christian walk.

Paul knew this. By commanding us to share each other’s burdens, he was echoing Jesus’ words: “A new command I give you: Love one another” (John 13:34). The apostle warns us not to question the loads of others, thinking we’re better than they are because we don’t have their particular problems. “If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves,” he said (Galatians 6:3). Instead, Paul tells us to examine ourselves, pick up our own loads, and help others when we are called to do so.

When we look at problems in marriage, we see the same principle in place: If one spouse is sinking under a load of guilt, troubles, or sin, while the other is bobbing around with seemingly no concern, anger and resentment will build. An unbalanced load will only stress and slow down the marital relationship. So to keep moving together in the right direction, we must remain firmly yoked together as we lovingly share each other’s problems and do what we can to help each other deal with them.

But what do we do when our problems become too heavy for the two of us to carry? There may come a time when we need to look for help from others outside the marriage. When we feel overwhelmed by severe problems such as sexual addiction, alcohol abuse, or clinical depression, it’s time to get help. Going to a Christian doctor, counselor or pastor is not taking the easy way out—for some, admitting a problem in the marriage is an agonizing first step. But it is a necessary step for many couples that need help adjusting to life’s problems, to a family crisis or simply to each other.

One caution: It is tempting to turn to friends, family, and coworkers to vent our marital problems. This is rarely a good idea. Problems inside a marriage can almost never be solved by taking them outside the marriage unless it’s to a qualified professional. Letting too many people know about our marital struggles just burdens us with the responsibility of keeping others updated. It may force friends or family members to side with one spouse while distancing themselves from the other. And it will drain emotional energy from a marital relationship. Offering our spouses privacy within the marital relationship will keep trust in each other intact and will demonstrate our continued love and respect for each other as we learn better ways of sharing our load.

Valerie Van Kooten

Let’s Talk

• What burdens have each of us had to shoulder in our marriage? What burdens have we weathered together?
• What are some practical ways we can help each other manage the burdens we are carrying right now?
• How can we help others who are struggling with marital problems? What are some cautions to exercise in doing that?

People who work with ocean-going ships will tell you that it’s critical to check the way the cargo load is distributed in the vessel.