Night Light for Couples - A Spiritual Leader

“For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord.” Genesis 18:19

Perhaps the most important aspect of a husband’s headship in the home is his role as spiritual leader. When all is said and done, can there be anything more important to a husband than promoting the spiritual health of his wife and children while on earth and being reunited with them in heaven?

One of the things that has impressed me most about Jim during all these years is his dedication to our family’s spiritual life and the example he has set for me, Danae, and Ryan. Our first date was a Sunday evening church service, and he has never wavered from his commitment to church, especially in terms of tithing and attendance. So many times when our children were still at home, Jim would return from a trip late Saturday night or early Sunday morning, then get up and go to Sunday school. I know he was dead on his feet from fatigue, but he didn’t want his kids to see him lying in bed on the Sabbath. Early in our marriage, Jim also established routines for family devotionals, prayer time, and Bible study (admittedly at times more consistently than others). That was such a blessing for our children as they grew up in the Lord and was, and is, so encouraging to me.

Husbands, I urge you to take stock of your family’s spiritual life. Are you setting the proper example? Are you establishing times for you, your wife, and your kids to mature in God’s Word? You may stumble occasionally as you nurture your family’s faith, just as we have, but I encourage you to be a husband who stays the course. That’s the kind of leader your wife wants and needs—and the kind the Lord desires as well.

- Shirley M Dobson

• From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
• Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.

Night Light for Couples - A Wife’s Countenance

“He is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” Deuteronomy 24:5

If you really want to know about a man and what kind of character he has, you need only look at the countenance of his wife. Everything he has invested, or withheld, will be there.”

That was the message Bill McCartney, then head coach of the University of Colorado football team, heard in a 1994 sermon. The words cut straight to his heart. McCartney had built the Colorado football program into a powerhouse that won a national championship in 1990. He had also cofounded a national men’s movement, Promise Keepers. But those achievements came at a price. For years McCartney had withheld his time and energy from his wife, Lyndi, and their four children. In 1994 Bill McCartney didn’t like what he saw in Lyndi’s countenance— so he resigned his position at Colorado to devote more time to his wife and family.

As a husband, you bear the primary responsibility for your wife’s welfare and emotional well‐being. What do you see in her face tonight?

Just between us…

• (husband) Do you ever feel like you’re competing for my attention?
• (husband) Do I appear preoccupied by my work or recreational activities?
• (wife) What do you imagine it was like for Bill McCartney to walk away from his successful coaching career?
• (wife) Do you ever struggle with trying to care for my emotional well‐being? Is there anything I can do to help?

(husband) Almighty God, with Your help I wholeheartedly accept my responsibility to care for my wife’s emotional well-being. May I increasingly become a master at it, so that I can see joy and contentment in her face. Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.
Quotation from From Ashes to Glory by Bill McCartney (Nashville, Tenn.: Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers, 1995).

Night Light for Couples - The Renegade Male

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4

Author Derek Prince has described the “renegade male” as one of society’s biggest problems. The word renegade actually means “one who has shirked his primary responsibilities.” It is an accurate description of those husbands and fathers who pour every resource into work or pleasure, leaving the child‐rearing task entirely to their wives. Both boys and girls desperately need their fathers, who have a specific role to play in their lives.

Research in the field of child development has confirmed that the absence of positive masculine influence plays a key role in adolescent rebellion, sex‐role identity, and cohesion within the family. Conversely, those who accept their God‐given responsibilities at home have a fleeting—and golden—opportunity to shape the little lives entrusted to their care.

Just between us…

• (husband) Do I ever resemble a renegade male? How?
• (husband) In what ways have I been a good father? (For couples without children: What kind of father would I be?)
• (wife) How have our own fathers been good or poor examples of fulfilling their responsibilities at home?
• (wife) How, as a wife, can I help you be a better father?

(husband) Dear God, thank You for the responsibility and opportunity to impact my children for good. I want to be faithful. Help me to celebrate— not resent—my fatherly duties. Through my sometimes inadequate efforts, accomplish great things in the lives of my kids. Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.

Night Light for Couples - The Single Man

“Pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” Ecclesiastes 4:10

Contrary to conventional wisdom, the single man often has a rough go of life. He is far more likely than an unmarried female to be an alcoholic, drug user, or convicted criminal. He is less responsible about his driving habits, finances, and personal appearance. (Check with your auto insurance agent, bank officer, or neighbor with college‐age sons if you doubt this statement.)

There are millions of exceptions, of course, but statistically speaking, an unmarried young man is at risk for many antisocial behaviors. Yet when he falls in love, marries, and begins to care for, protect, and support his wife, he becomes a mainstay of social order. His selfish impulses are inhibited. His sexual passions are channeled. He discovers a sense of pride in his family. He learns why, on average, a married man lives a longer and happier life than his single counterpart.

God knew what He was doing when He designed the institution of marriage. It’s a smart husband who recognizes this and lovingly cultivates his relationship with his wife.

Just between us…

• Do you feel you changed after we married?
• Do you ever miss being single? Why?
• How has being married to me benefited your life?
• How can I help you feel more joy in our marriage and pride in our family?

(husband) Dear God, thank You for Your gift to me of marriage. Thank You for my lovely spouse and for Your daily blessing on our relationship and our home. May I never take Your generosity for granted or Your holy purposes lightly. Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.

Night Light for Couples - Decisions, Decisions

“The head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” 1 Corinthians 11:3

Among the most controversial Scriptures are those relating to a wife’s obligation to “submit” to a husband’s leadership. This principle offends many women. Furthermore, it places power in the hands of men who sometimes misuse it. And yet, there it is, time and again: “The husband is head of the wife.” Those words can’t be brushed aside by those who rely on Scripture as their infallible guide. But what does this “headship” really mean?

The Bible makes it clear that the husband is to be the leader in his home, yet he has no right to run roughshod over the opinions and feelings of his wife. He is to love her as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25) and to serve her unselfishly and compassionately. A man should include his wife in making mutually satisfying decisions, always working to incorporate her perspectives and seeking compromise when possible. In situations where they simply cannot find common ground, Scripture gives the man the prerogative—and responsibility—to choose and lead. Yet in this case, he must be more sensitive and considerate than ever, bearing in mind that he will ultimately answer to God not only for his choices, but for his treatment of his wife.

Just between us…

• (wife) How would you rate my leadership as your husband?
• (wife) Does our decision‐making process fit the biblical model?
• (husband) How do you feel about your role as “leader in the home”?
• (husband) Am I sensitive to your feelings regarding decisions? 

Heavenly Father, in Your divine plan for marriage You have asked the husband to lead and the wife to submit, and we want so much to obey You. We come humbly now, asking for Your wisdom and help to do so. Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.Tendencies of the single man from Sexual Suicide by George Gilder (New York, N.Y.: Quadrangle/The New York Times Book Company. 1973).

Night Light for Couples - A Holy Partnership

“Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.” Ephesians 5:33

To properly define the God‐ordained role of husbands, there’s no better place to turn than Scripture. The apostle Paul instructs: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy…. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:25–28). Paul also tells us “the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23).

Here’s the bottom line of your responsibility as a husband: You are charged with the holy, loving leadership of your wife. There is nothing dictatorial or selfish in this prescription! Your love is to be so strong that it mirrors Christ’s love for the church, so committed that you would unquestioningly die to save her, and so powerful that it is indistinguishable from love of your self.

What a challenge! And what a privilege to join with God and your wife in this holy partnership! For as you fulfill your role as head of the house, you’ll encounter blessings you never imagined.

Just between us…

• (husband) What has been my most “shining moment” as your husband?
• (husband) Do you feel my love for you meets this scriptural ideal?
• (wife) How do you feel about the responsibility God gives husbands?
• (wife) How can I encourage you in this role?

(husband) Heavenly Father, You have given me an awesome and holy responsibility to love my wife just as Christ loved the church. Help me to follow His perfect example as I learn to increase my love for my mate. Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.

Night Light for Couples - Head of the House

by Thom Hunter

My preteen son Patrick doesn’t take many things seriously, but occasionally something grabs hold of him and he just won’t let it go. He will question an idea or concept until he is satisfied that society isn’t misleading him and that all is right in his world.

I’m never prepared for his persistence.

“Dad, can we go to the movies today?” he asked as we crawled down the optimistically named Northwest Expressway. “Maybe,” I said. “I’ll check with Mom when we get home.” “She’ll say no,” he said. “She’ll say we need to clean our rooms, or read a book, or play outside. Or… or something else.” The tires on the van made a couple more rotations. “Dad?” asked Patrick. “Can we get another hamster?” What a radical idea. We hadn’t had a hamster die on us in weeks. “Well, maybe,” I answered. “We’ll see what Mom thinks.”

I turned off the radio. “Dad?” came the voice again. “Can we eat out tonight?” “Probably,” I said. “If Mom doesn’t already have something planned.” I pushed a cassette tape into the player. “Dad?” Patrick asked. “Is Mom the head of our house?” Wham! I felt like I was in a ten‐car pileup. My face was turning red.

My temperature was rising. I was suddenly feeling closed in by the cars surrounding me. I looked in the rearview mirror. Patrick was perched in the middle of the seat behind me, an innocent little grin on his face.

“Patrick,” I said, “I am the head of the household. I make the decisions. And don’t you forget it. Understand?”

“Okay,” he said. “Does that mean we can eat out, go to the movies, and pick up a new hamster on the way home?”

He’d set me up. And I almost fell for it. He was watering down the parent partnership, looking for a crack in which to stick a wedge, testing a biblical concept, and looking for the advantage in the process.

What do pizza, hamsters, and big‐screen fantasy have to do with whether or not I am fulfilling my role as head of the family? I asked myself that question as I zeroed in on the bumper in front of me. I slammed on the brakes and avoided the accident. Fortunately, we were at the expressway’s top speed of seven miles an hour.

For scoring purposes, we did eat out and go to the movies that night, but we decided to sell the hamster cage. “We” made those decisions, his mother and I. This “head of the household” thing is very touchy to me. When I was growing up, there was never any doubt. Mother was the head of the household. But she had never intended it to be that way. She was supposed to have had a partner. She understood the concept of a helpmeet. If my father had been a different kind of man and hadn’t left us when I was six years old, she would have made a wonderful complement to him.

“You must be a man,” she would tell me when I was a teenager. “Take the responsibility; don’t run from the decisions; love your wife; cherish your children.”

And be the head of the household.

So I always wanted to be the head of the household: ruler over all I surveyed, supreme commander, father and master of my many loyal subjects. I carried this dream to the altar and later into the delivery room—five times. My kingdom went from squalling to crawling to sprawling all around me.

So, if I am the head of the household, why is the head aching and the house barely holding together? And if I am the head of the household, why do I sometimes go to bed with dishpan hands and worry that I’ve forgotten to unplug the iron?

If I am the head of the household, why do I have to barter for time to watch a football game on television, promising to ride bikes for two hours in exchange for ten minutes of solitude?

And, if I am the head of the household, why do I have to cut my subjects’ plates of meat after I set the table? And why do I have to clear the table and pick up mushy mashed potatoes from the floor with my bare hands while everyone else has dessert they weren’t supposed to get unless they ate all their mashed potatoes?

And, if I am the head of the household, why do I have to cover five other bodies before I pull my own blanket up to my own chin; explain away everybody else’s nightmares before I take on my own; fluff their pillows and tuck their feet back under the sheets; get them one more drink; and plug in their night‐lights?

And if I am the head of the household, why do I have to rub my wife’s back before she can go to sleep?

Why, I ask? Why do I have to do all these things? Because I am the head of the household, that’s why. If I don’t listen… if I am inconsiderate of others… if I make decisions without the input of the wife God gave me…if I try to do it on my own without God, then I may as well forget about being the head of the household.

That’s what I’ll tell Patrick next trip down the Northwest Expressway. We’ll have plenty of time.

Looking ahead…

Husband, this week is designed especially for you. (But we still want your wife to participate!) Like the author of the story above, do you sometimes struggle with your role as “head of the house”? What exactly does that mean, anyway? It is a controversial topic in today’s world, but there are biblical truths on which to base an understanding.

We’ll offer some of these principles this week. For tonight, why don’t you tell your wife how you define “head of the house”—then ask if she agrees.

- James C Dobson

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.
“Head of the House” by Thom Hunter. Taken from Those Not-So-Still Small Voices (NavPress). © 1993. Used by permission of the author.