Night Light for Couples - God’s Recipe For Sex

The challenge of sustaining an intimate, faith-based marriage in today's “hurry-up” society has never been greater. Night Light for Couples, the couples' devotional from Focus on the Family ministry founder Dr. James Dobson and his wife, Shirley, brings spouses together each evening, helping them stay connected with each other and their Lord. Stories that strike an emotional chord, Scripture readings, provocative questions, prayers, and personal commentary from the Dobsons encourage men and women in their homes and spiritual lives. More than just another devotional, Night Light is a practical, uplifting guide for every couple who longs to experience the joyous, intimate, “three-person” marriage covenant God intended.

“Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” Song of Songs 4:16

Someone once said that in matters of sex, men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots. There is certainly some truth to that cooking analogy—husbands can reach their “boiling point” before many wives have even decided what’s on the menu! Why would God make men and women this way? Don’t our different makeups set us up for conflict when our attention turns to physical intimacy?

I believe the Lord knew just what He was doing when He established these fundamental differences between us. After all, if women were more like men, we’d all probably spend so much time in the bedroom that we’d never get anything else done. And if men were more like women, we’d enjoy many more meaningful conversations—but the species might just disappear!

Our differences are what make life so interesting and invigorating. They force us to reach out, to grow, to appreciate our partner. When a husband is extroverted and the wife is introverted, the husband draws out the wife, while the wife helps the husband take time to reflect. When a wife is spontaneous and her husband is a planner, she brings energy and excitement to his life, while he adds stability to hers.

So it is with sex. Emotional and physical differences create interest and excitement. We encourage you to celebrate them! After all, when marital partners are joined as “one flesh,” it is more than a physical union. We are merging our whole beings—body, mind, and spirit—in a wonderful and sacred encounter. This is just what your loving God intended. You can enjoy the variety that each of you brings to your marriage—no matter what you’re cooking.

- Shirley M Dobson

• From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
  Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.

Night Light for Couples - God’s Gift

The challenge of sustaining an intimate, faith-based marriage in today's “hurry-up” society has never been greater. Night Light for Couples, the couples' devotional from Focus on the Family ministry founder Dr. James Dobson and his wife, Shirley, brings spouses together each evening, helping them stay connected with each other and their Lord. Stories that strike an emotional chord, Scripture readings, provocative questions, prayers, and personal commentary from the Dobsons encourage men and women in their homes and spiritual lives. More than just another devotional, Night Light is a practical, uplifting guide for every couple who longs to experience the joyous, intimate, “three-person” marriage covenant God intended.

“The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Genesis 2:25

In previous generations, some people believed women were not supposed to enjoy sex. Even today some Christians still feel that sex between marital partners is somehow sinful or “dirty.”

But there’s nothing biblical about either viewpoint. The Lord created us as sexual beings and gave us the gift of physical intimacy as a means for expressing love between husband and wife. In the biblical account of the Garden of Eden, we are told that “a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” The Bible says that before sin entered the picture, the first husband and wife were unashamed of their nakedness (Genesis 2:24–25).

Scripture also uses sexual symbolism to describe the relationship between God and man. (Look, for example, at Isaiah 62:5; Jeremiah 7:9 and 23:10; Ezekiel 16; Hosea; Ephesians 5; and Revelation 19:6–7.) In addition, Solomon’s Song of Songs clearly celebrates sexual pleasure between married lovers. We suggest that you set time aside to read that book together.

As designed by God, sexual desire in marriage is more than an afterthought or a means to guarantee procreation. That’s why we can wholeheartedly say, “Let’s ‘make love’ the way our God intended!”

Just between us…

• While growing up, did you receive positive or negative messages about sex?
• How do you think this has affected our love life?
• Do you think of sex as a gift from God? Is there anything about our love life that you’d like to tell me?

Dear God, thank You for making Your wonderful intentions for married sex so clear in Scripture. Where we have trampled on this gift, forgive us. We want so much to “make love” Your way. Amen.

• From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
  Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.

Night Light for Couples - Newlywed Nonsense

The challenge of sustaining an intimate, faith-based marriage in today's “hurry-up” society has never been greater. Night Light for Couples, the couples' devotional from Focus on the Family ministry founder Dr. James Dobson and his wife, Shirley, brings spouses together each evening, helping them stay connected with each other and their Lord. Stories that strike an emotional chord, Scripture readings, provocative questions, prayers, and personal commentary from the Dobsons encourage men and women in their homes and spiritual lives. More than just another devotional, Night Light is a practical, uplifting guide for every couple who longs to experience the joyous, intimate, “three-person” marriage covenant God intended.

“Where is the respect due me?” Malachi 1:6

Some years ago as I (jcd) was flipping through the TV channels, I paused momentarily to watch a “newlywed” show. It was a bad decision. The host posed a series of dumb questions to a lineup of brides whose husbands were “sequestered backstage in a soundproof room.”

The host challenged the women to predict their husband’s responses to inquiries that went something like this: “Using the TV terms ‘first run,’ ‘rerun,’ or ‘cancelled,’ how would you describe the first time you and your husband made ‘whoopee’?” Without the least hesitation, the women blurted out frank answers to this and other intimate questions. A few minutes later the men were given the same opportunity to humiliate their wives. Of course, they grabbed it.

It has been said that television programming reflects the values of the society it serves. Heaven help us if that is true. In this instance, the newlyweds revealed their immaturity, selfishness, hostility, vulnerability, and sense of inadequacy. Rather than treat their sexual relationships— and each other—with the privacy and respect they deserved, these young marrieds aired every intimate detail to a national television audience without a second thought.

Intimacy will never be achieved in the bedroom, or in any part of the marriage, when the relationship is handled in so cavalier a manner. Some facts about your life together are best kept between you and your mate. 

Just between us…

• Do you feel I respect our sexual relationship?
• Do I ever reveal details about our sex life you wish I didn’t?
• How can the behavior described above damage a relationship?

Lord, thank You for the intimacy that we share. May we be quick to recognize and reject popular values that offend You and our marriage commitment. Amen.

• From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
  Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.

Night Light for Couples - Twelve-step Bonding

The challenge of sustaining an intimate, faith-based marriage in today's “hurry-up” society has never been greater. Night Light for Couples, the couples' devotional from Focus on the Family ministry founder Dr. James Dobson and his wife, Shirley, brings spouses together each evening, helping them stay connected with each other and their Lord. Stories that strike an emotional chord, Scripture readings, provocative questions, prayers, and personal commentary from the Dobsons encourage men and women in their homes and spiritual lives. More than just another devotional, Night Light is a practical, uplifting guide for every couple who longs to experience the joyous, intimate, “three-person” marriage covenant God intended.

“Above all, love each other deeply.” 1 Peter 4:8

Do you feel “bonded” to your mate? Bonding refers to the emotional connectedness that links a man and woman together for life and makes them irreplaceable to each other. It is God’s gift of closest companionship to those who have experienced it.

According to Drs. Donald Joy and Desmond Morris, bonding is most likely to occur between those who have moved systematically and slowly through the following twelve steps during their courtship and marriage:

Eye to body. 2) Eye to eye. 3) Voice to voice. 4) Hand to hand. 5) Hand to shoulder. 6) Hand to waist. 7) Face to face. 8) Hand to head. 9) Hand to body. 10) Mouth to breast. 11) Touching below the waist. 12) Intercourse.

The final acts of physical contact should, of course, be reserved for the marital relationship. In the most successful unions, husbands and wives journey through each of the twelve steps regularly. Touching, talking, holding hands, and gazing into one another’s eyes are as important to partners in their midlife years as to twenty‐year‐olds. Indeed, the best way to reinvigorate a tired sex life is to walk through the twelve steps of courtship frequently and with gusto!

Just between us…

• During our courtship, did we follow this progression of bonding steps?
• Are we regularly experiencing each level of bonding now?
• How can we strengthen our physical and emotional bonding in our relationship? 

Dear Father, if we have been careless in the different kinds of relational bonding, forgive us. Help us to become one in body and soul. Amen.

• From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
• Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.
• Twelve Steps from Intimate Behavior by Desmond Morris (New York, N.Y.: Random House, 1971).

Night Light for Couples - Two Sides of Passion

The challenge of sustaining an intimate, faith-based marriage in today's “hurry-up” society has never been greater. Night Light for Couples, the couples' devotional from Focus on the Family ministry founder Dr. James Dobson and his wife, Shirley, brings spouses together each evening, helping them stay connected with each other and their Lord. Stories that strike an emotional chord, Scripture readings, provocative questions, prayers, and personal commentary from the Dobsons encourage men and women in their homes and spiritual lives. More than just another devotional, Night Light is a practical, uplifting guide for every couple who longs to experience the joyous, intimate, “three-person” marriage covenant God intended.

The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, her husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:4

There’s a basic difference between women and men that marriage partners need to understand: Women tend to give sex to get intimacy, while men tend to give intimacy to get sex.

Many men, for example, can separate the act of intercourse from the relationship and feel some measure of physical satisfaction. Not so for most women. More relationally inclined, they often feel exploited when sexual relations are not accompanied by tenderness, caring, and romantic love.

Solutions? The man who wants an exciting sexual experience with his wife should focus on the other twenty‐three and a half hours in the day. He should compliment her, tell her that he cares, and make her feel special in a hundred different ways. Turning the coin over, the wife must understand that her husband is more visually oriented and easily stimulated than she is. She should make herself as attractive to him as she can.

With a little unselfish forethought, each can learn to satisfy the other. In our experience, responding to these basic differences opens the door for genuine passion in marriage.

Just between us…

• Do you agree that men and women approach sex differently?
• Do we understand each other’s feelings about sex and intimacy?
• Why do you think God created these differences in men and women?
• What can I do specifically to make sex more appealing to you?

Lord, help us to hold our differences about sexual attraction in high regard— never hindering where we could help, never ignoring or criticizing where we could cherish and honor. Thank You that we can give ourselves to each other so completely. Amen.

• From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
• Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.

Night Light for Couples - What’s Your Motive?

The challenge of sustaining an intimate, faith-based marriage in today's “hurry-up” society has never been greater. Night Light for Couples, the couples' devotional from Focus on the Family ministry founder Dr. James Dobson and his wife, Shirley, brings spouses together each evening, helping them stay connected with each other and their Lord. Stories that strike an emotional chord, Scripture readings, provocative questions, prayers, and personal commentary from the Dobsons encourage men and women in their homes and spiritual lives. More than just another devotional, Night Light is a practical, uplifting guide for every couple who longs to experience the joyous, intimate, “three-person” marriage covenant God intended.

“I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.” Song of Songs 7:10

Let’s face it: Sex is a topic on the mind of just about every husband and wife. (Some wives claim their husbands think of nothing else!) The physical union of man and woman is one of the most pleasurable and meaningful aspects of marriage. Yet when a couple engages in sex for the wrong reasons, intercourse quickly loses its significance and can become an empty obligation. The late Dr. David Hernandez once offered some common, “non-loving” motives for sex:

• To fulfill one’s marital duty,
• To repay or secure a favor,
• As a conquest,
• As a substitute for verbal communication,
• To overcome feelings of inferiority,
• As an enticement for emotional love,
• As a defense against anxiety and tension,
• As a form of self‐gratification without seeking to satisfy the other.

God designed sex as an intimate expression of love between husband and wife. Anything that fails to meet that standard leaves one partner feeling unsatisfied and exploited.

Just between us…

• When was the last time you thought about making love?
• Does your motive for sex ever fall into any of the above categories?
• Have you ever felt sexually “used” by me?
• How can we move from “having sex” toward “making love”? 

Heavenly Father, You have blessed our union with sexual expression. Bless us with emotional and sexual intimacy as well. Thank You for the pleasure and wonder of married lovemaking. Amen. 

• From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
• Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.
• Sexual motives from What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Women by Dr. James Dobson (Carol Stream, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers, 1975).

Night Light for Couples - A Gentle Caress

by Daphna Renan

Michael and I hardly noticed when the waitress came and placed the plates on our table. We were seated in a small deli tucked away from the bustle of Third Street in New York City. Even the smell of our recently arrived blintzes was no challenge to our excited chatter. In fact, the blintzes remained slumped in their sour cream for quite some time. We were enjoying ourselves too much to eat.

Our exchange was lively, if not profound. We laughed about the movie that we had seen the night before and disagreed about the meaning behind the text we had just finished for our literature seminar. He told me about the moment he had taken a drastic step into maturity by becoming Michael and refusing to respond to “Mikey.” Had he been twelve or fourteen? He couldn’t remember, but he did recall that his mother had cried and said he was growing up too quickly. As we finally bit into our blueberry blintzes, I told him about the blueberries that my sister and I used to pick when we went to visit our cousins in the country. I recalled that I always finished mine before we got back to the house, and my aunt would warn me that I was going to get a bad stomachache. Of course, I never did.

As our sweet conversation continued, my eyes glanced across the restaurant, stopping at the small corner booth where an elderly couple sat. The woman’s floral‐print dress seemed as faded as the cushion on which she had rested her worn handbag. The top of the man’s head was as shiny as the soft‐boiled egg he slowly nibbled. She also ate her oatmeal at a slow, almost tedious pace.

But what drew my thoughts to them was their undisturbed silence. It seemed to me that a melancholy emptiness permeated their little corner. As the exchange between Michael and me fluctuated from laughs to whispers, confessions to assessments, this couple’s poignant stillness called to me. How sad, I thought, not to have anything left to say. Wasn’t there any page that they hadn’t yet turned in each other’s stories? What if that happened to us?

Michael and I paid our small tab and got up to leave the restaurant. As we walked by the corner where the old couple sat, I accidentally dropped my wallet. Bending over to pick it up, I noticed that under the table, each of their free hands was gently cradled in the other’s. They had been holding hands all this time!

I stood up feeling humbled by the simple yet profound act of connection I had just been privileged to witness. This man’s gentle caress of his wife’s tired fingers filled not only what I had previously perceived as an emotionally empty corner, but also my heart. Theirs was not the uncomfortable silence that threatens to fill the space after the punch line or at the end of an anecdote on a first date. No, theirs was a comfortable, relaxed ease, a gentle love that did not always need words to express itself. They had probably shared this hour of the morning with each other for a long time, and maybe today wasn’t that different from yesterday, but they were at peace with that—and with each other.

Maybe, I thought as Michael and I walked out, it wouldn’t be so bad if someday that was us. Maybe it would be kind of nice.

Looking ahead…

When husband and wife have achieved true intimacy, like the elderly couple holding hands in tonight’s story, they can enjoy and appreciate each other at the deepest level. That’s true at the corner deli and in the bedroom.

Some would say that “having sex” and “making love” are one and the same, but there’s an important distinction between the two. The physical act of intercourse can be accomplished by any appropriately matched mammals, as well as most other members of the animal kingdom. But the art of making love, as designed by God, is a much more meaningful and complex experience—it’s physical, emotional, and spiritual. In marriage we should settle for nothing less than a sexual relationship that is expressed not only body-to-body, but heart to heart and soul to soul.

As we discuss this subject in the days ahead, you and your partner may want to ask each other: Is our physical intimacy all that it could be?

- James C Dobson

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Copyright © 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.
“A Gentle Caress” by Daphna Renan. Used by permission of the author. Daphna Renan is a graduate of Yale College. She has published several short stories in several anthologies. She can be contacted by e‐mail at daphna.renan@yale.edu.